Merciless Change

- It has been quite some time since I have written my last entry, 9  months to be exact. Well, a lot has happened. After we moved back to Cavite I have not been able to settle things, to write in my blogs. Though no one really spares their time reading it, as of this moment, I know that in the future, the future me would have fun reading myself's past.

Now, as I've said many things happened. "These" things brought so many changes. I'm feeling off right now, like I'm disconnected from something so I have to write to be able to "reconnect" to myself.

As change merciless ravaged through the "normal life" that I am used to, I can only watch helplessly and accept everything that it dumped and took away. 

I know some of my reasons for being angry or should I say "heavily disappointed" and not talking to someone because I just don't feel to, are somehow pathetic and, yes, maybe unacceptable. But, sad as it is, that's just because of me being plain me. I just can't explain it. I know, we had been through so much, we're close friends after all. He has offered and helped me through a lot of difficult academic challenges and he has been there as a true friend all this time. He makes my college days a bit brighter when he flashes "that smile". But even it. Now, I can't recall the intense feeling that I had when I decided not to talk to him, except of course when someone asks why I got angry. Every single time someone asks me the "why's" I got angry at him, I suddenly remember the angry feeling as I explain. But whenever I think about it, it puzzles me to the very end of my wits. Is that only my reason? Don't I have a more mature reason for being angry?

But that event "happened", it's already a part of the events that should be suffixed with "-ed", I can never go back and undo my actions. It's not that I regret it. I'm just saying that there's nothing left to do to cure the situation. The memories of the heart cannot be erased easily. Even an amnesia will have a hard time to erase those feelings that are engraved inside. I know I shouldn't be mad anymore, I should just forget about those things that happened.  But he didn't even said sorry and I can bet my fingernails that he doesn't even know why I got mad. You know, I would've never imagined and my wildest dreams would not even dare to dream to be mad at someone who just said "anong problema mo?" Yes, my anger rushed like the current about to go down a waterfall as high as a 100-storey building, or even higher when I read that. I felt like shamed in front of people I don't know. Commenting those words in a social site is just toooooooo much to handle. Immature, yes I maybe immature but as of know I can't change that. In addition, the fact that my emotions containing my deep disappointment/ anger still remains oh so vibrant, the friendship that existed then is now just a memory. It's like it's been overwritten or better yet smudged by my anger, and if I need to say sorry for my immaturity I would certainly do so, but to just shrug my shoulder and turn back to the way it was before, there's no way that could ever happen. It's just like a fictional event, an event not worthy to be called an event because it never will happen, at any point in time at any universe.

I'm not mad anymore. I'm done with that. I have learned my lessons with you. You're not someone who I can expect to care for my dignity, for my shame. Having a pride such as mine I could only say sorry but that doesn't mean that my feelings will also change, the sorry is for the things that are gone and are never coming back, ever.

But that doesn't mean that friendship can't start over.  The ugly stuffs just have to be overwritten and smudged with new memories and new emotions. :)